Hey Guys, it’s Thea here….
Have you been listening to my podcast?
https://flexpodcast.buzzsprout.com
If you have been following us, you know we have been releasing an episode every other week since February 2022. But we haven’t released an episode since the end of October.
And I am to blame for this.
I dropped the ball and I am sorry.
I started back at school and I have had a lot going on.
And as Amy told me when I asked her if we could record another episode, I haven’t been practicing what we preach on the podcast.
I haven’t been managing my time.
I haven’t been nice to myself with my thoughts.
I haven’t been a reliable friend or business partner to Amy,
I can personally go into all these reasons and excuses why I haven’t, but would that change anything? I let you guys down and I am here humbly asking for an apology.
This year has been a roller coaster. I started going back to school and its been much harder than I anticipated. I did a Bikini competition, I went to Europe for the first time, I had a lot of “tests” at home.
School for me, is my safe space. It is fun to learn new things. I am a good student.
But it’s been different this time.
I got a masters degree and my ego though that this would be EASY.
This hasn’t been easy.
First, It feels like my brain is slower, in my 30s its taking me longer to learn new things. I don’t just “get it” like I did the first time through school. Also I have never really taken STEM classes and now taking a full course load of Science classes I have been STRUGGLING,
People empathize with me, tell me about what study tactics worked for them in school. They tell me how there kids are doing in there freshman classes, and I know this is trying to connect with me, but to me it feels hollow. Almost insulting. Everyone seems to know how I could study better, like my study tactics are the issues and not just me. So I have refined my studied and focused almost exclusively on doing well in this thing that I don’t seem to be very good at. To say this has been humbling is an understatement.
I went to college already. I took a lot of hard classes, I got good grades, I got bad grades. I slacked off and I crammed. I got a hard degree, I had crazy deadlines. I wrote at 250 page thesis and got IRB approval. I did this already. I did the DAMN thing already.
I am a grown adult who is very “smart and educated” going back to school for entry level science classes at a community college. And it has felt like every class I get my ass handed to me. I almost feel dumber than when I started. I have spent entire weekends focused on school and have BOMBED quizes. I have spent HOURS at tutoring and still failed exams.
Comparing where I am now with other peoples educational journey often only feels like a slant brag, other people telling me how smart they are or how they have already done what I have done. Or how if only I knew what they knew I would be doing better. It feels patronizing and honestly its turned me off to most of my relationships.
Including my relationship with Amy. Not necessarily because of anything Amy has done or said, I know when she tells ma bout her grad school she’s coming from a place of love and wanting to share. But I would be lying if I didn’t share that I felt similar feelings, like I am a kid going to college the first time and I need advice.
It hurts my ego because, here I am struggling in entry level classes at a community college, and I feel STUPID. I know that this material is difficult for anyone, etc. My partner constantly reassures me that all learning as good and that it will get better. But I feel so dumb. and I feel even dumber every test, quiz or exam. I have never studied this hard in my life and I get 74%. It is SO fucking humbling.
I almost don’t feel “good enough” to even say I have gone to college before.
So here I have been, metaphorically being kicked on my ass and getting back up and doing it again over and over. I haven’t been my “happy self” I haven’t been seeing my personal training clients, I haven’t been exercising, I haven’t been making art.
I have been studying and isolating myself.
And I am not doing great in school, I worked my ass off for all these B’s I am about to get. and I am starting to feel proud of myself. But I have dropped all the other balls I have been juggling.
I haven’t been seeing my clients so my income has slowed. I am so broke. I feel like a poor college student for real. and it sucks. So even if I wanted a social life, I can’t even afford to do anything with my friends.
I haven’t been working out and I have found my temper is shorter. Things piss me off so much quicker. Exercise is my outlet for anxiety and depression and not exercising means I am just letting these feelings fester and take over me.
I haven’t been making any art. When I don’t make art it makes me feel unfulfilled. It makes me feel empty.
So here I am realizing it’s finals week and I want me life back, and I have inadvertently burned all these bridges because my fucking ego.
Why would Amy even want to hear from me, I am not my usual sunshine, I ama depressed ball of anxiety that feels awful. I don’t even want to text her how are you because I am afraid shell ask me how I am doing. I am not doing ok.
Why would Amy even want to hang out with me, I don’t have a car so she has to pick me up.
I feel like a huge failure and I was feeling so Low.
I called Amy and asked if she’s record a new episode of the podcast and she told me, “Thea I love you but you’ve been really fair-weather the last couple months”
She called me out on my bullshit.
And I really needed it. First it was nice to hear how much she loves me, but it’s also nice that she feels comfortable enough with me to say, before we record another episode we need to talk about this authentically, over 1000 new listeners of our podcast come to us asking for authenticity and giving them anything less would feel wrong.
Things won’t always be perfect. Life is not about destinations, focusing on ” I’ll be happy when I am done with school” means I am going to spend years unhappy. I have to learn to be in this process and take care of myself .
I am going to relisten to every episode and try to relearn these lessons with you guys.
So we are going to record our next episode about steps to do when you’re like me and have fallen off the bandwagon.
Never hold yourself to perfection, but hold yourself to trying to change those patterns you don’t like and those patterns that cause harm.
School is just going to get harder and I am trying to become a doctor, I need to better manage my time and better manage my ego and not push away those relationships that I need.
So I hold myself to these standards and I want you to hold me accountable. I would never ask you to do something I wouldn’t do myself.
Sometimes all you need is a friend to call you and remind you that you are loved.
Catch up on our podcast here:
https://flexpodcast.buzzsprout.com
and I promise we will back soon!
